The right way to navigate cuffing season as a single individual

It’s formally that point of yr when watching The Vacation on a Sunday huddled below a blanket on the couch isn’t solely acceptable however obligatory. There is a chill within the air, which suggests one factor: cuffing season is right here. Your Instagram feed will quickly be awash with {couples} cosying up at festive markets, and festive soirées collectively, it will possibly really feel like everybody other than you has accomplished the unthinkable and located somebody to like. 

What’s cuffing season?

So, what precisely is cuffing season? And is it an actual factor, or merely a advertising slogan designed to get singletons swiping whereas they lie below a blanket watching Gilmore Women for the tenth time? In case you, like me, reside within the camp of single, flirty and (largely) thriving, it’s possible you’ll discover this time of yr both overwhelming or mentally strenuous. Cuffing season sometimes begins in mid-October and ends after Valentine’s Day, with the time period initially coined in 2011 when it started showing in faculty newspapers. The time period comes from African-American Vernacular English (AAVE), stemming from the time period “cuffed” which suggests you’re courting somebody. This was across the time it was entered into the City Dictionary, too. 

Relationship app Bumble instructed Mashable that this time of yr sees an inflow of customers logging in and swiping to discover a match. So in case your courting app profile is out of the blue popping off, this may very well be why. 

What’s behind this sudden surge in swiping? This have to couple up and discover a mate within the colder months comes right down to our biology, too, with a drop in serotonin ranges inflicting us to hunt out connection. Within the northern hemisphere, our days are getting shorter, nights are longer, and temperatures are dropping. Traditionally, the colder seasons are when people could be on the lookout for a further mate or individuals to spend that point with, as power got here in numbers to forage for meals and get by means of the powerful months with. 

The shift in seasons also can set off Seasonal Affective Dysfunction (SAD) for some individuals, a sort of despair individuals expertise when the seasons change as a result of colder, darker climate. This transformation in climate and temperature can affect how we really feel, because of the truth that our serotonin and melatonin ranges change. Serotonin is the ‘completely satisfied’ chemical our physique produces, so an absence of this might imply we really feel lonelier and thus pursue extra companionship or bodily contact from others. Researchers assume that this drop in serotonin may very well be linked to why we go in the hunt for a mate, and why cuffing season has turn into commonplace in fashionable courting. 

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While utilizing apps up to now and discover a match has turn into the commonest technique of assembly somebody, that doesn’t imply it’s made it any less complicated. Eimar Draper is a courting coach and believes this time of yr can see us run the danger of settling for conditions that don’t serve our true wants and wishes. 

“In case you’re on the lookout for one thing severe, don’t deviate from that path,” Draper says. “It is tempting to agree to simply hook up with somebody new for the sake of attending to know them, but when it’s not what you need long run, then your emotional and psychological capability for dealing with one thing informal doubtlessly isn’t fairly there.”

Avoiding situationships throughout cuffing season

In case you’ve been within the courting sphere for the previous few years, you’ll know all too effectively both by means of lived expertise or watching pals undergo it that it’s very straightforward to search out your self a situationship — whether or not that is what you are on the lookout for or not. With the language of heartbreak extra centered on that of individuals popping out of long-term relationships, the ache of post-situationship heartache is one thing that does not get the validation it deserves. 

In reality, nearly 65 p.c of singles surveyed by the courting app eHarmony admitted to having their coronary heart damaged from a short-term relationship or situationship, with 56 p.c sharing that their situationship heartbreak was equally or extra painful than what they skilled after ending an extended, dedicated relationship.

Draper believes this is because of the truth that we permit issues on our deal-breaker checklist to fall by the wayside after we enter dynamics that lack clear boundaries and expectations. “Generally if you happen to’re getting into right into a situationship with the hope of it turning into dedication, you’re probably not dwelling in alignment together with your values,” she says. “I believe going towards what our wants and needs are from a relationship creates fairly a little bit of disgrace for us, which is a tough emotion to course of and one we’re reluctant to truthfully share.”

Why can we search connection through the colder months?

So, why does this time of yr trigger us to hunt out and type attachments that maybe don’t totally serve our wants emotionally? “It is ingrained in us to hunt that human connection, however there’s additionally a great deal of totally different societal pressures on this planet of courting now, too,” Draper explains. “I really feel like there’s a variety of strain on girls particularly now to face robust of their independence and declare they do not want anyone, and on the identical time, there’s an equal strain for them to be okay with one thing informal and floor degree. But, we’re nonetheless slut-shamed and judged for doing so.”

“It is ingrained in us to hunt that human connection, however there’s additionally a great deal of totally different societal pressures on this planet of courting now, too.”

Open communication and spending time with your self, she believes, is essential to creating a wholesome and completely satisfied relationship dynamic come to fruition. “Spend a while with your self to determine and get clear on what it’s that you simply count on out of a relationship,” she says. “Unpacking that can naturally provide the boundaries that you will want or need to obtain.”  

Boundaries additionally transcend what you count on from somebody face-to-face. Putting digital boundaries can also be key to forming a wholesome connection. Caitlin Begg is a sociology researcher, with a vested curiosity in how our communication and digital lives influence {our relationships}. 

“The best way we talk now could be over-saturated and blurs the traces between actual life and hyperreality,” she says. “Hypercommunication is the notion that the quantity of extra inbound and outbound comms we eat is impacting our brains and social behaviours. Which in flip, impacts how we navigate {our relationships}, too.”

Begg’s work has led her to consider that the extreme approach we join now has put our courting timelines in reverse. “Take courting within the ’60s, as an example. You had possibly two channels most to speak with somebody — the phone, or by means of a letter,” she says. “Now, there are such a lot of totally different channels to take action that we’ve fallen into cycles of overcommunication. This causes us to type attachments and concepts of an individual earlier than we even meet them, reasonably than attending to know them in individual first and then determining their digital communication sample.”

Cuffing season, Begg believes, is a time of yr the place we collectively give attention to the expectations, considering forward to how the connection we type will find yourself, reasonably than staying centered on the reference to the person.

“The best way we communicate to 1 one other in terms of courting has modified a lot because of the development of expertise,” she says. “We must be cautious about how a lot we let our on-line presence and perceptions intercede {our relationships} in actual life. Don’t let notification tradition power you to undertaking one thing personal that you simply’re nonetheless determining into the general public sphere simply to be seen as profitable.”

Relationship with intention

Cuffing season isn’t only for flings and surface-level connection, although. There’s nonetheless a possibility to hunt out a match who’s on the lookout for the identical factor as you. Dr. Caroline West, Bumble’s intercourse and relationships professional, believes the low strain and give attention to the enjoyable of the season may see us ending up with a real connection, regardless of how lengthy it lasts. 

“In case you’re courting with intentionality, this time of yr is a good alternative up to now and meet new individuals with out the strain of creating it a long-term factor,” she says. “Even short-term relationships is usually a fulfilling and optimistic expertise, so if you happen to can, I’d advocate attempting to see breakups in a brand new gentle.”

While short-term flings may be enjoyable and serve a goal, this time of yr additionally brings with it a out of the blue very closely laden social calendar. From household occasions to work Christmas events, typically the time up to now and pursue a number of individuals is definitely laborious to search out. 

“The strain to not be seen alone at these occasions can lead individuals to enter into situationships, simply so that they don’t really feel embarrassed in entrance of family members.”

“Individuals can really feel pressured round this time to have a plus one, and having a constant companion — regardless of how lengthy they’ve been on the scene — could make them simpler to navigate,” West says. “The strain to not be seen alone at these occasions can lead individuals to enter into situationships, simply so that they don’t really feel embarrassed in entrance of family members.”

However being alone doesn’t maintain the identical adverse connotations the romcoms would lead you to consider. Current analysis from Bumble reveals that many individuals at the moment are embracing a “Consciously Single” mindset in terms of courting, with over half of them (53 p.c) realizing that it may be empowering to be alone after a breakup.

No matter what your objectives are for courting proper now, an important factor is to keep in mind that no one will see you as “lower than” if you happen to rock as much as the pub solo for festive drinks. Your nice aunt on the household Christmas celebration is barely asking if you happen to’ve met somebody as a result of she’s interested in your life away from house, and your folks who’re coupled up and in love aren’t displaying off, they’re simply completely satisfied. So don’t let the green-eyed monster or worry of being alone lead you down the trail of compelled connections and half-baked intimacy with somebody new for the sake of getting cuffed.