What’s the 'One-Penis Coverage' in consensual non-monogamy and is it problematic?

The One-Penis Coverage (OPP), states that inside a main relationship, there can solely be one penis. This implies, throughout the context of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) that when you’ve intercourse with or date folks exterior of your relationship, these different companions should not have dicks.

When you’re energetic within the on-line relationship realm, you’ve got most likely been listening to extra about CNM — aka moral non-monogamy or ENM — these days. The time period “moral non-monogamy” has seen a 213 p.c spike in searches within the final 12 months alone. Relationship app Feeld attributes the surge in curiosity in non-monogamy to the pandemic’s affect on {our relationships} and the truth that “lots of people and {couples} that had been caught at house began to query their relationship buildings on account of spending that point closed in collectively.”

What’s the One-Penis Coverage (OPP)?

Based on non-monogamous intercourse professional and kink teacher Julieta Chiara, the OPP can be (jokingly) referred to as the “Monopoly on the Meat-stick Mandate.” And whereas this can be a hilarious factor to name it, this “rule” inside CNM dynamics has extra points than a newspaper stand.

A OPP tends to middle the concept penetrative intercourse with a penis is the one “actual intercourse.” That means, it’s the one form that really counts. That is, after all, totally unfaithful. “It operates on a false assumption that folks with [penises] usually tend to be a risk to a relationship than folks [with vulvas],” explains Nicoletta Heidegger, MA, MEd, MFT, a intercourse therapist and host of the Sluts and Students podcast. “It may additionally reduce and invalidate the connections and experiences between ladies/femmes.”

Inside a basic OPP: The penis is the middle of every little thing. And if that sounds sketchy AF, that’s as a result of it’s. After all, the place there are controversial relational guidelines, there may be all the time the necessity for a nuanced dialog. We are going to endeavor to embark on such a journey.

So, let’s break down what the One-Penis Coverage really is, when it might be sinister, if it’s ever OK to have one in relationships, and — and probably most spicy of all – whether or not or not your companion’s insistence on an OPP might be grounds for a breakup.

“It operates on a false assumption that folks with [penises] usually tend to be a risk to a relationship than folks [with vulvas].”

As we’ve made fairly clear: The one-penis coverage is when there can solely be one ALMIGHTY PEEN! 

Whereas this dynamic is most frequently seen between a heterosexual cis-man and a bisexual or pansexual cis-woman, a male companion or a penis-owning companion might also be in a relationship with one other male, trans, or non-binary companion, says Dr. Lee Phillips, Ed.D, a psychotherapist and licensed intercourse and {couples} therapist. 

The male companion’s penis is the one penis allowed when in search of intercourse or different partnerships. The implicit message right here being: If in case you have a penis, you have to be a person. (Once more, not true).

And sure, rather a lot about this coverage is dripping in heteropatriarchy (and misogyny). 

Why is the One-Penis Coverage problematic?

To be frank, the one-penis coverage is just unfair inside a partnership (if each folks aren’t one hundred pc down). “One companion will get their cake and eats it too, whereas the opposite doesn’t have the chance to discover one other penis in the event that they want to,” Chiara says. The heterosexual male companion will get to exit and discover in any means he needs, whereas his (normally vulva-owning) companion is restricted in what she is and isn’t allowed to do.

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Heidegger tells us that the OPP is rooted in some darkish stuff. It comes out of patriarchal and misogynistic concepts of management and possession of ladies and femme our bodies. “Particularly if the companion making or wanting the coverage is allowed to have cross-gender experiences, however the different companion is not. It may be a double normal,” she says. 

What’s extra: The one-penis coverage may be hella biphobic and transphobic. It actually does all of it, folx!  “[It] dismisses bisexuality (and limits the spectrum of it), belittles trans of us to their genitals, and normally caters to the misogynistic idea of males doing what they need and having their very own guidelines (and girls being restricted),” Chiara says. 

Inside the OPP, trans ladies, non-binary, and all AMAB (assigned male at start) folx are left within the lurch as a result of not all individuals who have penises are males!

Why would possibly somebody attempt to enact the ‘one-penis coverage’ of their relationship?

The explanations one companion or each companions would possibly comply with the one-penis coverage are going to range extensively (as a result of folks be sophisticated), however Philips says that the rationale a penis-owning companion might enact an OPP is sort of seemingly rooted in their very own insecurities. “They might be jealous and afraid their companion might discover [more] pleasure in different penises than their penis,” he says. “They might have physique picture points relating to their penis measurement.” When a penis-owning companion ‘places’ the OPP on their companion, it’s normally born out poisonous masculine concepts of what it means to “be a person” and “what actual intercourse appears like.” 

When a penis-owning companion ‘places’ the OPP on their companion, it’s normally born out poisonous masculine concepts of what it means to “be a person” and “what actual intercourse appears like.” 

This high-key goes towards the very tenants of CNM – which middle autonomy and freedom. The one-penis coverage, when used with the intention to regulate a companion’s conduct to make you are feeling safer, is very suspect.

Now, a fast observe on when an AFAB (assigned feminine at start) particular person might select a one-penis coverage for themselves. Maybe they merely don’t need to discover penetration with folks apart from their companion. That is their option to make. 

It’s actually in regards to the intention right here, proper? If we’re making stable, knowledgeable selections based mostly on sexual freedom and autonomy, that’s A-OK.

Is it ever OK to have an OPP?

When you and your companion are cool with/need to have a one-penis coverage, that’s your corporation. Solely the 2 of you get to determine how your open relationship ought to operate. So, in case you’re each on board, sure, it’s OK to have an OPP.

With that being stated, it will nonetheless be clever to interrogate why that’s. Why does this really feel OK or good to you? Is that this the way in which you need to discover open relationships, or are you making concessions to maintain your companion glad? What’s your understanding of freedom in CNM dynamics? Would you be OK with by no means having one other penis in your intercourse life once more? Are you OK along with your companion attending to have cross-gender experiences whenever you’re not?

Heidegger invitations all folks to compassionately query their selections to be able to achieve better insights, develop, and pay attention to internalized and systemic oppression. “The way in which we present up sexually and relationally is affected by the programs during which we exist; subsequently, typically we simply settle for issues as OK and/or our alternative, when actually we have now been deeply influenced by these programs of injustice,” she explains.  

These questions could also be difficult, however they’re price exploring. 

“The way in which we present up sexually and relationally is affected by the programs during which we exist; subsequently, typically we simply settle for issues as OK and/or our alternative, when actually we have now been deeply influenced by these programs of injustice.”

Tips on how to focus on the ‘one-penis coverage’ along with your companion.

In case your relationship at present has an OPP or your companion is making an attempt to mandate an OPP, it’s time to get susceptible and have some open and sincere conversations. Heidegger says that the coverage is usually in place to keep away from feeling or speaking about uncomfortable feelings like jealousy. 

However the one means we are able to higher perceive one another and our subjective reasoning is by speaking to one another. In case your companion can voice the place the insecurities are stemming from, you possibly can work to seek out options to assuage these emotions and foster safety in your relationship, somewhat than throwing a blanket rule over the difficulty in an try and smother it.

Philips says that it may be useful to evaluate your consensual non-monogamy settlement typically, to be able to tackle disputes with assertive communication. He suggests the next instance for mentioning these conversations: “I do know we have now the one-penis coverage, and I need to know extra about why we have now this in place. Assist me perceive what you’re feeling.”

Once we strategy conversations with empathy for one another, somewhat than harshness or judgment, we open the door for extra fruitful conversations – that may hopefully result in extra agreeable options for everybody.

Is it OK to finish a relationship if a companion needs a one-penis coverage and refuses to budge? 

The reply: Yeah, in case your companion is insisting on an OPP and also you’re not down – it’s fully high-quality if you wish to stroll away from the connection. You’re allowed to chop your losses and go hunt down a relationship that’s extra in-line along with your values and desires. 

“That is completely grounds for ending a relationship because it messes with one thing huge: an influence inequality,” Chiara says. “When you’re not each on board, it is time to half methods.”

You need to by no means really feel pressured or coerced into sure behaviors to be able to make a companion glad. That isn’t how egalitarian partnerships work. Everybody deserves to have the relationships and intercourse lives that give them pleasure.